I tried to kill myself exactly 10 years ago. It still feels bizarre to me. Surreal. Did that really happen? Was it really me? Why? Why would I do something like that? What possessed me?
There was no one specific trigger event. It is a complicated mix of many interrelated causes that started since young. From unprocessed grief from the passing of my grandparents when I was 6 and 7, to being chided for too skinny when I was 5 then plumped up with multivitamins that caused a lifelong struggle with weight issues and poor body image, and everything in between. These probably resulted in or were the result of a long deep depression that dragged into adulthood that led to the suicide attempt.
There is no solution here. Apparently, there is no cure for depression. There is only management. Here is how I manage mine.
It was pre-planned. 3rd May was not a special date. It just happened to be a long weekend and there was no work to distract me. It was at home and my mum stepped in just in time.
I went back to work the next day. It is hard to take medical leave for such things. The only way my parents knew how to handle this was to send me to the mental hospital. It was a three-weeks wait for a psychiatrist. I tried to behave normally and put on a smile, while feeling very bizarre inside. I was not supposed to be alive.
At the first meeting with the psychiatrist, I was immediately put on anti-depressants. Seemed like there is something deficient in my brain even though we only had a short chat and did not do a brain scan. I went with it. I was still shaken by the whole episode and just went along with what everyone told me to.
I was on drugs for about 18 months. I kept up my usual routine of going to work. I shared with a close friend that I was on medication. This was when my friend told me that there were side effects. I was horrified. I quickly looked online and saw the list of side effects were longer than the benefits. The side effects looked like the symptoms too. This medication was giving me the very problems I was trying to treat.
Mainstream medication was not helping. The alternative was, well, alternative healing. I explored a range of alternative therapies which included bioresonance, crystal therapy, meditation, aromatherapy, metaphysical fengshui, and the neutralising of geopathic stress in my living environment. I discovered the Medical Intuition System (MIS)™ and found Energy Medicine to be the most effective in my healing process and became a certified practitioner. My life began to shift after energetic blocks were cleared.
Around that time, I was retrenched from my corporate job. It was a blessing in disguise as I chanced upon the Heal Your Life® training course. It is a positive psychology programme from the US based on the philosophy and practical techniques of self-development pioneer Louise L. Hay.
I remember the common advice I received during my low points was to “just think positive!” Yet, I did not know how, and I thought there was something wrong with me. After my training, I realised that thinking positive is not something that you have to be born with. Anyone can learn it, and it is easy to apply. I also learned ways to release negative emotions safely, and adopted healthy habits. These practical life skills were simple and effective. I eventually became certified as a Heal Your Life® Life Coach, Corporate Trainer, and Workshop Teacher.
I am convinced by the power of self-transformation. If I can, anyone can too! My healing journey showed me that you are capable of changing your own life with proper guidance. I learned that for change to be possible and for the better, four key aspects of the self have to be addressed – Thoughts, Emotions, Actions, and Energy. This is how I derived at my methodology to help bring about successful and sustainable self-transformation.